Log in

life is overrated because... dance puppets! dance! calendar user info the history of my mind the history of my mind fall in love with me more fall in love with me more
Your Heart Will Lead You...
To Your Destruction
so i've been thinking a lot. a lot about how much i hate it here and just can't bear to leave when i go home. i noticed that everytime i leave to come back here i cry sooner and sooner. i cried before i even left sunday. i've realized that everyone that i thought were just my friends at home (everyone at game) aren't just friends, they're my best friends. and i feel like i'm dying everytime i leave them. so i've been thinking of dropping out. yeah, we have three weeks left but that's four months too long. i'm thinking of just staying as a part time student, but i don't know what that will mean next year. if i just drop out, i might have to start paying my loans off and won't be able to go to college for a while. but i don't know if the same thing will happen if i'm just part time. and i don't want to go to college, i don't, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to. and i'm sick of everyone asking me if i'm dropping out or not. i don't know. and i'm sick of people saying, "well if you're leaving, what's the point?" here's the thing, i don't know. i told you all that. and i'd rather do work i don't have to than be fucked if i decide to stay. everyone just sounds so ready to get rid of me or have me back. i'm torn about all of this. part of me wants to say fuck it i don't care about repercussions, but part of me wants to get college over and done with now and not have to worry about it later. and all of this going around in my head is just taking me into a deeper depression than i'd like and making me fed up with people a lot more easier. if it came down to for my mental health, i'd leave. but thinking about the future, which is pretty much all i ever do, i have to stay or i'm totally fucked later. so please just do everything to not put stress on me of any kind, cause i'm real scared i'm gonna go off and yell at someone that didn't really do anything. and stop asking me what i'm doing. i don't know but when i do, i'm gonna tell everyone. so just fucking relax, that's what i'm trying to do.

how i'm feeling now: contemplative contemplative
sounds in my head: "hollywood"==number1hater

hurt me
people suck. i'm just gonna put that out there. i'm telling you right now, i don't give a FUCK about poor you and your problems. no lie, i'm completely sick of people talking about how god damn shitty their life is. i don't wanna hear about pretty much any of your life problems. if i'm worse off than you, i don't wanna hear it. i have $40 in my checking account, no job. don't talk to me about money problems. i have completely fallen for more than a few boys (present and past) that i have/had no chance with, i have had to watch them date skinny girls that aren't worth their time and then proceed to cry about how stupid people are for dating douchebags (especially when i tell them that they're douchebags). i fantasize about celebrities, do you have to do that? you can get boys, i don't wanna hear about your love problems. school sucks for me. i'm failing two classes, losing my finacial aide, and i'm probably gonna end up on academic probation. i don't wanna hear about your school problems. i'm far more addicted to a lot of things that i know are really bad for me than i should be (tv, food, etc.). i don't wanna hear about how shitty your life is in general. i'm fat. i know this. i probably weigh a lot more than you think. i can shop at two stores and feel comfortable in my own skin. and clothes at those two stores suck sometimes. i don't wanna hear about how "fat" you are. i'll whip out the rolls, don't doubt it for a second cause i'll do it. i will scissorkick you to the back of the head if i hear the "i'm fat" rant from you. there's a lot more for me to say about this subject but lj ate my entry and i had to come back and i've lost my train of thought and i'm just far too aggravated to further express my disgust in the human race right now...

how i'm feeling now: cranky cranky
sounds in my head: unearth, cause it soothes me

2 big bads  hurt me
so because i'm in acting i have to go see 4 plays a semester. the plays have been ok. i really like urinetown. and i hate musicals, but tonight i went to see one called big love, and holy shit, i loved it. it was more than just the play though, the director was fucking gnarly. sidenote-he was my acting prof last semester. but there were clips of music in it that were just amazing. but i have to set up the play (and eventually ruin it) so you know what i'm talking about. 50 sisters are being forced to marry 50 of their cousins, they say "fuck you" and take off in their boat. they're trying to get this guy to help them and 3 of the sisters are hanging around talking and 3 of the cousins come in by helicoptor. the beginning of american idiot played. i died. and then the play moves on and the guy is like "i can't help you, you're marrying them" one sister comes up with the brilliant plan of killing them on their wedding night. all the sisters agree, their wedding night comes and it shows them all like getting naked and doing it and smack my bitch up is playing. i really died then...loves it...
1 big bad  hurt me
so i watched 300. holy fuck. i love that movie, it's so amazing. this movie has brought me to a conclusion:

i'm going to marry a spartan.

how i'm feeling now: hopeful hopeful
sounds in my head: GUTS!

hurt me
so i went to the gym with katie tonight. we walked on the track for a warm-up. three funny things happened.
1. some guy started skipping and looked like he was mario jumping.
2. i went to pass a girl, she turned and saw that a fat girl was going to pass her and sped up. i then put a jihad on her.
3. i was groovin to my ipod, and then some guy joined in

why do all gyms smell the same? like not just the sweat and shit, but it's just this gym smell. just like libraries all have the same smell. how does that happen?

when you see someone you know at the gym, do you say hi? cause you're all sweaty and they're all sweaty...don't you think it's a little gross to say hi to someone you haven't seen since last semester? granted, it was cool to see one of them, but all sweaty haven't seen you in a few months, ew.

making fun of people at the gym that look stupid makes me feel better about myself. and it's ok that i make fun of them because they're probably making fun of me. i just find it incredibly ridiculous that all the girls have to look cute and the guys wear tank tops to show off the muscle, or lack of muscle, they have.

and something completly unrelated. i love new york is back with new episodes tonight. and shut the fuck up, i know it's a stupid show, i don't wanna hear it. i'm still recovering from mr. boston being sent home. i will die if 12 pack is sent home. seriously, that man is my hero (sometimes).

how i'm feeling now: sore sore
sounds in my head: charmed is in the background

hurt me
i hate how just talking about a past event that shook you to your core can make you feel everything all over again. you think i would've gotten over it, but i just can't. i'm still really pissed about it and thinking about makes me wanna cry/die a little. i'm surprised i only just realized this last night. but just talking about it, telling the story, it hurt all over again. and it's not that big of a deal (telling the story, not the story itself) i'll live and move on. it doesn't hurt bad enough to actually cry, it just kinda hit me all at once, all over again and fucked with my head a little.

(and yes this is vague, but i'll make an update about the story sometime, but it'll be back-dated so it goes where it belongs. it'll be in december sometime and pretty easy to find, by the way.)

moving onto happier things...i'm going home tonight and words can't even begin to describe how fucking excited i am. i really need to get the fuck out of this place and hang out with more than 3 people. don't get me wrong guys, i love you. i love the friends i have here and i'd die without them, i just need to expand and see the ones i'm use to seeing. it's so weird being out of the loop at home. i miss not knowing what's going on. i hate that people have to randomly call me just to fill me in. that's not how it's suppose to be. it's suppose to be i'm there when it happens so i know. i'm suppose to be there to help my friends move. i'm suppose to be there for my friends when they're fed up with life and just need someone to talk about bullshit with. i miss that. the comfortable silences. when no one's talking and it's ok. it's ok cause we have an unspoken bond and don't need to say anything cause we already know. i miss that. i miss having that like 5 minutes away from me. i miss seeing my closest friends all the time. i hate that i have to schedule people time when i come home just so it's easier for me and i hate even more that not everyone gets the same amount of time, if any at all. i feel like shit because of it. but i can't really do anything about that. all i can say is that next year i'll be home and it'll be different. i promise.

how i'm feeling now: jubilant jubilant
sounds in my head: "how to save a life"=the fray

hurt me
for some strange reason i don't find myself incredibly lonely and pissed i don't have a valentine this year. hooray! i'm gettin better at this whole life thing.

in other news: i desperatly need to flee indiana. i hate it here. and i really want to go somewhere for spring break, but as i have no money, i'm limited. but any input would be greatly appreciated.

how i'm feeling now: refreshed refreshed
sounds in my head: SCRUBS!

hurt me
reasons today rock already:

=i bought a new ipod yesterday just cause i wanted it. the reason it rocks: i put pictures of supernatural shit on there. so anytime i'm feeling down, i get to look at jensen ackles and jared padalecki.

=i woke up to breakfast. katie bought it for me cause she had the light on all night last night. she felt bad and bought me breakfast. fuck, i love this girl.

and although it's only two reasons, you have no idea how happy i am because of them.

how i'm feeling now: chipper chipper
sounds in my head: "little house"==the fray

1 big bad  hurt me
with a band that is. augustana. yum...i've never really listened to them but i'm starting to. let me tell you...their songs are speaking to me. especially part of boston:

I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over,
where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California,
I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover
and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town,
to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer,
some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name...

yeah...i could get into them...and yes, i do have real updates about my life, but because of past experiences with livejournal and just a fear of people actually knowing how i feel, they're gonna have to be private...sorry kids. but if you wanna know, you can ask me and i'll probably tell you.

sounds in my head: "boston" & "coffee and cigarettes"==augustana

1 big bad  hurt me
if you're a fan of supernatural, or just need a good laugh...watch this is shit.

1 big bad  hurt me