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i don't wanna be going through the motions - Your Heart Will Lead You...
To Your Destruction
i don't wanna be going through the motions
so i promised a real update and here it is. and it's hard to start. rich left. he'll be back, but fuck it sucks. and it's the worst time for him (my best friend) to leave. cause this season always makes me depressed and i feel i've lost contact with all of my other good friends too. and it's a million different reasons. i never talk to or see takala. jaleesa's been m.i.a. too. tiff's always working; nick's doing the "i have a girlfriend" thing that everyone does. it just feels like everyone's abandoning me all of a sudden. and i know that's not the case, i do. but a girl starts to wonder after all these events happen so close together. and i was able to deal with everything to a certain point and then right before rich left shit just starting hitting the fan. i couldn't sleep through the night. and i haven't had that problem in a long time. and i was real good at being me and pretending everything was ok, and then one day i just fucking lost it. i couldn't pretend anymore and it sucked cause i hate letting people see me like that. and i started thinking about everything that's bothered me the entire year. like why i'm so disappointed in myself for dropping out of college; how my mom's disappointed. tiff just graduated, she got a real job; amber's married to a great man and has great plans for her future; jake has a great girlfriend and plans for his future; and here i am, college dropout, just got a fucking job after all these months, i stay out all night and sleep all day, i'm a disappointment. and i'm over it. i get it, i'd be disappointed too. back to, whatever. of course letting everyone see something was bothering me and people talked to me and i told them the whole disappointed my mom thing, they disagreed. i understand, they wanted to make me feel better, but it's true, i'm over it. the sleeping thing has gotten better, but now i'm getting headaches now. fuck. the first week he was gone i cried every fucking day. every day. it wasn't just cause he left, it was cause i was so alone. cause random things will remind me of it, i cry again. anything that reminds me of him, reminds me of how alone i am, so i cry. and i've been friends with the guy for a really long fucking time, a lot reminds me of him. corn school was last week. then i was going through the list of who i could go with. and there was no one on that list. no one. do you know how much of a bummer that is? to realize you really do have no one? but it doesn't stop there. there's been a couple times it's been so bad that i almost cried at work. talk about unprofessional. and usually when i get emo i lose myself in a book or tv. but i'm sick of tv and i'm out of books. (suggestions are good, btw.) and i keep almost losing it everywhere. but i've held it together until. and i figure the outlet will help. that's why you're finally getting the update. i think that's all i have to say right now. except, if any of this bothers you and you think i'm talking shit. i don't really care. talk to me about it if you want, but if i think you're being real fucking stupid i'm gonna tell you cause i'm done with bullshit.

how i'm feeling now: numb numb

3 big bads  hurt me
gkitty From: gkitty Date: October 11th, 2007 10:39 am (UTC) (Link)
A few notes...
First, know that though I am working all the time I am missing you.
Second, you are only looking at the positives when it comes to your siblings. I may have a job and a college degree, but it took me 5 years and academic probation before graduating and am currently, after everything taken for taxes/benefits, making about as much as a waiter does. I'm sure our siblings could tell you things that they feel aren't so great in their lives, also.
As for being alone, I think a lot of us go through that. I'm not trying to take away from what you feel, but rather saying, I know how it goes. The world, I believe, is a lonely place. Having your best friend move away only worsens that.
You will find your way. You're still young, and you (believe it or not) have a lot going for you. You're way smart, and you have a semester of college under your belt, which is more than can be said for some people. It's a struggle until then, but you're not alone in that struggle. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm here for you. I'm not always around physically which makes that harder to say, but it's true.

And I've got several books if you want to borrow. One's even about vampires.

I love you.
neeneeme From: neeneeme Date: October 11th, 2007 02:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Like Tiff, I'm here for you too, even if we only see each other once or twice a year. Everyone who's anyone who knows you knows you're an awesome person, which is the important thing, of course. Some of my favorite people, like Julie Andrews, never even went to college (or high school.) Ellen only made it through two months of college before she dropped out. Other people I should do more research on before saying anything, but you get the idea.

Have you read the rest of the Harry Potter books? If not, I highly recommend doing that. They're easy to get lost in.

I love you, Bee!
From: raginglard Date: October 11th, 2007 02:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
If you need me call me, wherever you are, no matter how far. You should get a day off during Turkey time and I could haul Bessie up to see you. I feel like everyone has abandoned me in a sense and moved on with their lives after I left. You are not alone bums even if its over 200 miles away. I love You !
3 big bads  hurt me