?

Log in

life is overrated because... dance puppets! dance! calendar user info the history of my mind the history of my mind
Your Heart Will Lead You...
To Your Destruction
sedated_bunny
We learn more and more every day. Recently, I’m learned a lot about me. I hate meeting new people. I avoid talking to, and even sitting next to people I don’t know because I’m terrified of putting myself out there and not being accepted. I tread lightly with the people that surround me now. I desperately don’t want to be abandoned by them so I’m not who I really am. No one really knows me. The only hint they have is by things I write, and I’ve had to stop putting them on the internet given their content. People think they have me read, but that’s who I want you to see. I’ve been abandoned (okay, it’s more like shit happens) by a lot of people. It started in grade school and gradually got worse. I’ve lost, or “lost”, so many friends I started thinking maybe it was me. People leave me because they don’t like me. Realistically I know it’s their family moved or college or they me for fun or something. I know that it’s not me, but there’s something inside of me that knows I’m lying to protect myself. My insecurity tells me I suck so people find a reason to leave. I walk on eggshells to prevent this. At the same time, I’m a complete bitch to those closest to me. I hold back what I really think (usually) and pick out things I know bothers them and I use it. I figure instead of wondering why they don’t like me, or waiting for them to leave me, I’ll do this so I know why. I was a terrible person to them and I did it on purpose so then when they inevitable abandonment comes I can pinpoint what I did wrong instead of guessing. I’m an asshole to keep people at an arm’s length. If I don’t get too close I can’t be hurt as badly when they leave. This is a rather dumb tactic, but it works for me. I hate that I’m like this, but realizing it, I don’t think it’ll stop me. I realized this is what I’m doing about a month ago. I’ve gotten way better about it. Why should I take it out on these friends who obviously haven’t left me? I’m sure that I’ll blame myself the next time something happens, but they don’t deserve to be treated like that just because I have issues with being abandoned. Acting the way I have been is self-preservation. I thought it was working, but then I realized that it was just retarded. I apologize for my actions, and I promise that I’ll be better. And don’t be afraid to put me in line, it might hurt my feelings but things like that lead to epiphanies like this. And by reading this, you should know how difficult it is for me to let people in. Here’s a start.
hurt me
sedated_bunny
Humankind is amazing. We've found cures for diseases, discovered (or started to) what’s beyond our universe, and made huge technological advances. We’re social beings, almost to the point where it’s a flaw. We strive to be accepted day in and day out. It’s kind of ridiculous what we do to be accepted. The problem with us started when we were babies. We had a span of time when we were wee little ones, where everyone paid attention to us and only us. They waited on us hand and foot, came running whoever we made a sound, and even fed us. We were showed off like trophies; everybody adored us. Every time they saw us again they mentioned how big we were getting, how we looked like our parents, and how adorable we were. We had it made. Perfectly accepted by everyone (unless we were the little brat behind them on the plane that cried or kicked their seat.) Then we grew up, we got less adorable to everyone and more annoying. Then we started school. We desperately seeked acceptance; we needed friends to make us whole. Eventually we found acceptance, made best friends, and loved school. Summers were fantastic because we got to see our new friends. Then we grew up more. In grades 4-6, the cycle started again. Something happened like your best friend moved or you did. The inevitable breaking of the friendship occurred. Now you had to be accepted by a bigger group. You searched and eventually found a group that worked. Tastes change. Junior high, you’re thrown in with the big kids. This is where the drama starts. You find boyfriends, girlfriends, and BFFs. Your friends will argue and fight over boys, or just fight about nothing. You try to stay incognito so you’re not pulled into it. High school is even worse. You think you’ve been accepted and your friends are here forever, but of course, something will happen. They cycle begins again. Eventually you’re alright. You have a best friend, and since you’ve grown up, they’ll stick. You still strive to be accepted by the rest of the people. You have to play sports so everyone likes you, or you’re a cheerleader so other girls want to be you, or you’re the clown so everyone likes you because of your jokes. You take on a persona to be accepted by the masses. You find your place, sure there’s stragglers that don’t like you, but it’s okay. Senior year, everyone accepts each other. This is the last year of being safe before the cycle of acceptance begins again. College. If you had a hard time fitting in in high school, this is heaven. You can remake yourself. Decide that instead of being one of those “outcast” you can be a jock or whatever now. Things have changed for you. You go in headstrong, knowing that because of your new persona, everyone will like you. Two things can happen, you fit in or you fall into old habits. Yet another place where you still need to be accepted. During college, you start the (serious) look for the one. The person that gives you the butterflies-in-your-stomach-I-forget-how-to-breath-when-you’re-around feeling. You need to be accepted by this person to complete yourself. You graduate, find a job, and the cycle continues. Now you must be accepted by your co-workers, your boss, and the fiancé’s family. [Note: from here on out, it guess work for me, but it’ll work the same as everything else.] You do your best to fit in with the family. If they don’t like you, your fiancé might leave which means you’d have to search again. You do everything to make them like you to avoid that. You have to get along with coworkers or you’ll hate your job. Now you’re running three personas: one for the fiancé (that’s just who you are), one for their family, and one for your coworkers. Eventually you’ll be accepted so you can gradually just be you. You get married. All of their friends have been integrated, now you have to find married couples to hang out with. The search for acceptance again. Sooner or later you’ll have kids. Something that you love with everything of you. They love you too, then they grow up and their acceptance cycles are running. They hate you as teenagers and all you want, again, is their acceptance (and love) of you. You get older they accept you and you’re done needing to be accepted. Humans are social beings. We strive to be loved, to talk to people, to just be accepted. Surely there’s more to life than changing yourself just so people like you, right?
hurt me
sedated_bunny
The fact that Obama is President hasn't really sunken in. It's been a couple months and I still felt like it was surreal. Too good to be true. I wasn’t really into Obama before elections when all the hype started. I don’t follow politics because I, sadly, don’t really care. I wanted Obama to win because he was a Democrat. That’s it. Not his views on the war in Iraq, gay marriage, or what the fuck he was gonna do about Afghanistan. I didn’t look into it because I didn’t care that much. Then elections came. The week before that’s all anyone talked about. Who deserved it, who everyone was going to vote for, why Palin sucked, all of that; that’s when I started to get excited. I saw all of the “Yes we can” and “Hope” posters with Obama’s face on them. I started to feel this overwhelming sense of, “he needs to win.” Somehow I believed that if he won things would change for the better. There’s no explaining the feeling, it could’ve been all the propaganda (if that’s the right word) of “hope for change.” It was a good feeling though. Every election I’ve been alive for, I watched 10 minutes of it, go bored, and changed the channel. That’s if I watched it at all. This one was different. I watched it all. I was nervous, excited, so many different emotions were running through me; the anticipation was killing me. The states started to change from white to red or blue. Every blue state I got excited, but scared at the same time. I knew there were still huge states that could put McCain in the lead and crush my hopes. I realized it was over when the electoral votes were somewhere around 160 to 35. It was ridiculous. The feelings I had about Obama, that something spectacular would happen if he won, America felt the same way. Then it was announced, Obama was going to be President (not a word I usually capitalize.) I was ecstatic, yes we did America. It’s about time you do something phenomenal. The part everyone watches for was over, I still watched. Waiting to see how the rest of the states that were “too close to call” turned out. I was mostly just waiting for Indiana. I heard that we were a pivotal state or something. We’ve been Republican for so long, none of the candidates ever bother. Obama did, probably because he’s from Chicago and we’re neighbors; but he came to Indiana. Something I don’t remember hearing has ever happened. The results finally came in, we were blue. No fucking way. I wanted to cry because I was so happy. Something inside me calmed down because I knew we were saved from some impending doom headed America’s way. If Indiana can go blue, anything is possible. The week after the hype died down, I kind of forgot. Whenever I saw an Obama poster, headline, t-shirt, or heard an Obama ringtone (yes, they make them) my day brightened until I forgot again. Fast forward to more recently. I didn’t watch the inauguration, it sounded too boring. It was a great piece of history and I missed it because it didn’t feel real to me. Monday I was disappointed that I didn’t watch it. Monday was the day it sunk in. On my way out the door I glanced down at the newspaper. I never read the newspaper. I never read the paper because I don’t care. There was a picture that took up half the front page of a bunch of people in line somewhere. It looked like a line that you would see on black Friday. I was intrigued. Apparently Obama was going to speak in Elkhart. Cool, whatever, didn’t really care, because I hadn’t had the “holy fuck Obama is President!” moment yet. I was on my way to school and I saw a state trooper; five minutes later I saw another one. Then on every bridge then went over the bypass, there was a squad car. Every spot where you could illegally u-turn, there was a squad car. Every two or three miles, there was one driving or sitting on the side of the road. After 10 minutes of this I had to know what the hell the deal was. I called my mom. Her phone went straight to voicemail because she was at the mall. Oh well, I was sure I’d figure it out eventually. Two minutes later, I couldn’t take it anymore, I had to know. I called my sister, she’s a reporter, it’s her job to know what the clusterfuck was happening. She answered, if she wouldn’t’ve, I would have gone insane. I asked if she knew what the hell was going on. I explained all of the troopers, sheriffs, and police; and that there was now a helicopter too. She asked if I was in Elkhart. “Yeah, why does that matter?” Then she told me that Obama was going to be speaking there, flashback to the paper….DUH. I should’ve remembered that. He was taking the stand in half an hour. We hung up. Then I was thinking, but why all the cops? He’s probably there already. A minute later there was one, lonely cop car driving down the middle of the road on the opposite side. Then a caravan of cars came. There were two more squad cars, then there was a limo with the American flag and the Presidential flag. I saw the President. I saw the man who was going to save us. One of the most significant 3 second spans of time in my life. The limo was followed by at least six long white vans (amish haulers if you prefer), an ambulance, and more squad cars. I texted Tiff because I knew she’d appreciate it. That’s when it hit me. Yes we did. He really was President, Indiana really did go blue, change was coming. Tears filled my eyes. That suddenly, I wanted to cry. History was made, and I was part of it. I can (hopefully) one day tell my grandchildren that because of the election in 2008 your amazing life was possible. That because of Barack Obama we’re not in a terrible way economically. That he stopped the regression and gave people their jobs back in 2009. That they don’t starve and we don’t have ration cards because Obama saved us. We hoped for changed and we got it, and that’s why, grandchildren of mine, we can live comfortably and not have to save money because we know the economy is going to crash, but because we want to. I’ll tell them about how I remember election night and watching the states go blue, how I stayed up until three in the morning watching something I’ve never cared about before because I knew it was more significant than anything I had experienced before. My faith was restored in America when the elected Obama. It felt like they finally all united and agreed that something had to give and Obama was the best man to do something about it. I’ve never been more proud to be an American than I was Monday. America made a good decision. I’ve been disappointed in America for the past 8 years, and finally I’m not. Good work America, let’s hope we get the change we were promised. We deserve it.

YES WE DID

hurt me
sedated_bunny
every feel like giving up? i think this is me quitting again...

sounds in my head: "i don't wanna be in love"==good charlotte

1 big bad  hurt me
sedated_bunny
so i promised a real update and here it is. and it's hard to start. rich left. he'll be back, but fuck it sucks. and it's the worst time for him (my best friend) to leave. cause this season always makes me depressed and i feel i've lost contact with all of my other good friends too. and it's a million different reasons. i never talk to or see takala. jaleesa's been m.i.a. too. tiff's always working; nick's doing the "i have a girlfriend" thing that everyone does. it just feels like everyone's abandoning me all of a sudden. and i know that's not the case, i do. but a girl starts to wonder after all these events happen so close together. and i was able to deal with everything to a certain point and then right before rich left shit just starting hitting the fan. i couldn't sleep through the night. and i haven't had that problem in a long time. and i was real good at being me and pretending everything was ok, and then one day i just fucking lost it. i couldn't pretend anymore and it sucked cause i hate letting people see me like that. and i started thinking about everything that's bothered me the entire year. like why i'm so disappointed in myself for dropping out of college; how my mom's disappointed. tiff just graduated, she got a real job; amber's married to a great man and has great plans for her future; jake has a great girlfriend and plans for his future; and here i am, college dropout, just got a fucking job after all these months, i stay out all night and sleep all day, i'm a disappointment. and i'm over it. i get it, i'd be disappointed too. back to, whatever. of course letting everyone see something was bothering me and people talked to me and i told them the whole disappointed my mom thing, they disagreed. i understand, they wanted to make me feel better, but it's true, i'm over it. the sleeping thing has gotten better, but now i'm getting headaches now. fuck. the first week he was gone i cried every fucking day. every day. it wasn't just cause he left, it was cause i was so alone. cause random things will remind me of it, i cry again. anything that reminds me of him, reminds me of how alone i am, so i cry. and i've been friends with the guy for a really long fucking time, a lot reminds me of him. corn school was last week. then i was going through the list of who i could go with. and there was no one on that list. no one. do you know how much of a bummer that is? to realize you really do have no one? but it doesn't stop there. there's been a couple times it's been so bad that i almost cried at work. talk about unprofessional. and usually when i get emo i lose myself in a book or tv. but i'm sick of tv and i'm out of books. (suggestions are good, btw.) and i keep almost losing it everywhere. but i've held it together until. and i figure the outlet will help. that's why you're finally getting the update. i think that's all i have to say right now. except, if any of this bothers you and you think i'm talking shit. i don't really care. talk to me about it if you want, but if i think you're being real fucking stupid i'm gonna tell you cause i'm done with bullshit.

how i'm feeling now: numb numb

3 big bads  hurt me
sedated_bunny
i realized something tonight. i hate my life. completely, totally, hate my life. that's all for now. i'm working on an actual update to my life, but it's taking a while due to a lot of censoring that will need to be done.

sounds in my head: "ohio (come back to texas)"=bowling for soup

1 big bad  hurt me
sedated_bunny
so i think that there's this secret pact between my family that says that they have to make me cry whenever we go anywhere together. we're in seattle and it's the first of the vacation and i'm already real pissed. i hate flying as it is so i've been on edge. then benny was a fucking douche (surprise, surprise) about absolutely fucking nothing. i knew that coming was a bad idea. i fucking knew it and i came anyway hoping that maybe it would be different. i think i'm ready to give up on family. i need to stop trying to have all this faith in people. it just pisses me off even more when they don't follow through. and words can't even really describe how i feel. like this doesn't cover it at all. there's a lot going on through my mind and how i feel and i can't say it out loud cause it'll freak people out and i don't wanna have to fucking deal with that right now. i'll try to keep you updated as best i can. it's mostly for my benefit, not yours.

how i'm feeling now: annoyed annoyed
sounds in my head: "all my friends are dead"==turbonegro

1 big bad  hurt me
sedated_bunny
so i've been reading a lot lately and it makes me real sad. cause it's got a lot about love and shit. and i realized what i want, i want someone that knows me as well as i know myself, if not better. i want someone that knows that something's bothering me instantly. i want them to know what all of my facial expressions mean, i want them to know if i'm being sarcastic just because i'm being an ass or if i make it sound sarcastic because it's the truth. i want them to be able to tell if i'm lying. i want someone that knows when i need to just be held and cuddled and told everything will be alright, even if it's a lie. i want someone that i think about all the time so during the day i'll think, i need to remember that so i can tell him, or hey, he'd love this i should get it. i want someone that knows what i'm feeling and what to do to make it better. i want to have the unspoken understanding of each other. i want that all consuming love. i want to be one of those couples that is looked at and makes people say, "that's what i want". i want someone that hates something really passionately but because i love it they'll go do it with me just to be near me. i want sacrifices. i want compromising. i want someone to sing a song to me that comes on the radio and just describes me in their eyes to a t. i want that true love everyone talks about. and it's really feeling like that's just asking too much lately. and because of all of this reading and thinking about love, i'm finding that i'm liking a lot more people than normal; or maybe my hormones are in overdrive. either way, i want all that.

how i'm feeling now: lonely lonely
sounds in my head: "hey there delilah"==plain white t's

hurt me
sedated_bunny
do you ever feel like you made a bad decision? right now is the first time i've thought this about dropping out. and it's because of the reception i've had at home. it's like they don't even care. jake is the only one that's made me feel welcome again. and that's the fucked up part. jake is supposed to be the asshole. it's been different for a while but it still freaks the shit out of me. my friends have been great, for the most part. i've had two people give me shit for it and tell me that mom shouldn't've let me move back in. i'm so sick of this crying thing. i feel like such a weak person because i cry about so much now. and it feels like no one in this fucking house understands how sad i am and how god damn easy it is to make me feel like crying. why do mondays suck so bad all the time? i'm growing to despise the people that i call family. and it just pushes me to hang out with my friends that much more. it kills me that no one really understands. they have an idea, but they don't know. mom doesn't know that i cried pretty much everyday at IU. and for some reason i thought it would be better here. i just have more people here and mom can see the pain she causes. i think i'm done being nice. to anyone. no one deserves it from what i've seen. so that's just a heads up, if i'm an asshole to you, you deserve it. or i'm just working on being a hard person again. cause being a pussy just doesn't fit me too well.

how i'm feeling now: sad sad
sounds in my head: "some kind of monster"=metallica or "love me or hate me"=lady sovereign

hurt me
sedated_bunny
1. i fucking hate when people leave me messages on AIM while i'm away. let me clarify, i hate when people try to talk to me when my away message is up. if there's a little yellow note thing next to my name, i'm away. i'm doing something. not sitting in front of the computer waiting for someone to talk to me. so if you start talking to me and something comes up right after you send the message (it'll say autoresponse from rockstarskick: xxx some witty thing that is my away message xxx) don't get pissed or sad that i'm not talking to you. i'm away. away=not here. so stop getting catty with me through an online messenger and think i hate you. cause honestly, you sending that message and then getting pissed about it, that makes me hate you a little more everytime. so i'm just saying, knock it off. if you wanna drop in and say you miss me or tell me something cool, that's gnarly, we're good. but don't try to start a conversation with me.

2. i'm going home. totally, completely, going home. i'm dropping out this semester, it's the best for me. i'm not really telling anyone cause it'll be more fun that way so if you find out, try to keep it on the DL. if you live in b-town, i'm sorry if i don't tell you, it's hard to get ahold of everyone just to say, "hey haven't seen you in a while, miss you. btw, i'm dropping out"


and yes, this is cross-posted fucking everywhere.

how i'm feeling now: busy busy

hurt me